|Unfinished business is unfinished!|
So Reed Richards is now attending the Baxter Foundation; which actually is kind of like 'Xavier's Academy for Mutants' since all the most brilliant minds of the country are pretty much working under Dr. Franklin as both mentor and father figure. And like most of the brilliant minds; they're socially awkward and have little-to-no people skills. In particular is Victor Von Doom....WAIT WHAT!? Doom's been introduced already as one of the people working under Dr. Franklin? Well yes; not twenty minutes into the film and already we are introduced to Victor Von Doom. So how are we introduced to the ruler of Letvia who basically becomes so powerful he's practically second to Thanos in terms of Marvel's most powerful villains? Easy: he's sulking in a dark room dicking around on his computer and boozed up on Rumple Minze. Basically we're seeing "the Real Doom"; some foul-mouthed unshaven dickhead. Well to be fair; in the original comic books Dr. Doom basically gave HIMSELF a doctorate being the Ruler of Letvia. So anyway you cut the origins of one of Marvel's most powerful villains; it's still amazingly stupid.
Doom and Richards are now working together to make a larger version of Richards' 'Teleporting Toaster.' Doom of course thinks little of Richards but Richards is so bland and unlikeable in personality he doesn't give a shit. And I'm starting not to give a shit either since all these characters are boring and lifeless. In order for a super hero movie to be good; you have to make the personality of the character likeable and energetic outside the suit. Hugh Jackman is beloved and respected as Wolverine because he's brash, impulsive and rough around the edges as we expect him to be to play the mutant. Christian Bale was well received as Batman because he's both charismatic and smooth when he's not donning the Batman suit and just being Mr. Wayne. And Robert Downey Jr. is.....well....Robert Downey Jr. is F**KING IRON MAN!! (Just as much as Johnny Depp was Captain Jack Sparrow.)
All these guys playing the 4 and Dr. Doom are just ordinary schmoos with little to no personality traits to make them discernable from other more iconic roles.
So yeah; if the regular schmucks aren't carrying the weight, then surely they'll become more identifiable once they turn into super heroes right? Huh....I wish. Take Sue Storm for example. Now in order to write 'Invisible Girl'; the creators of this film decided to take NOTHING from the comics and felt it was unnecessary for the girl playing her part to read them. They decided to write her as “Smart, dignified and with integrity.” Well the movie will display none of those characteristics; and it makes the screen writers sound like ‘fan fiction writers.’ Even in a movie trying to give her a bigger role (which it doesn’t) there’s just no way to make Invisible Girl stand above someone like The Thing or Doom. She’s just as boring as the rest of the cast.
Then there’s Johnny Storm. What I can’t stand is people making a big deal out of Johnny Storm being black; for both sides overly bashing that move or praising it. I mean he IS the biological son of Franklin Storm in this film; and Sue is the adopted daughter so they’re still basically siblings. But did they have to make Storm such a whiny ass bitch? Especially towards his dad. Before and after he gets his powers as ‘The Human Torch’; he is very unlikeable in personality and motive.
Ah yes: the motive. What motivates this intrepid group to obtain their powers and become the Fantastic Four? Well as soon as Richard’s Teleportation Device is built; Doom gets him and Johnny Storm drunk and makes a statement about how the scientists who invent such things; like the Apollo space shuttle for instance, get no credit and are basically penniless. Basically Doom whines how astronauts like Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin just “took credit” for other people’s work. Yeah; two men who underwent intense training and went on a potentially dangerous mission to the moon and have to face daily ridicule by conspiracy theorists who still claim they never went there? Yeah, f**k them!!
So once they know the machine works; they decide in order to “take credit”; they need to use it themselves before the government sends other people to “take the credit for themselves.” What a hilariously stupid motive. And keep in mind they were drunk when they decided on this. This almost makes the Venture Bros. parody of the Fantastic 4 seem more serious. It actually makes the original motive seem even dumber. The original motive to invent this device was to use it to conquer other worlds and obtain their resources to solve the Earth’s energy crisis. Phhhtt…What a waste of time. We could easily harness the sun’s abundant energy right now. They should know damn well that it’s politics, not science that controls the destiny of Earth’s energy resources.
So without wasting time (the movie’s speed and sloppy editing really does cut a lot of time out) Doom convinces them to teleport to the other world they meant to get to. And it if this movie teaches us anything, as well as life in general….never trust anyone who officially has DOOM as their last name. Because after their expedition goes disastrously (and predictably) wrong; Victor Von Doom falls into the planet’s ‘Power Giving’ explosions leaving Richards, Storm and Gramm to run for their lives; only to get caught in the crossfire of the explosion with different stuff like fire, rocks and gravity being applied to each person. It’s like the planet randomly decided to give them their super powers. Wait what about Sue? Or she got her powers when she brought them back because the explosion made her “invisible.” (I actually chuckled a bit while typing that out.)
Dr. Franklin watches in horror to what happened to his “children.” Like how Sue Storm is turning visible and invisible simultaneously and the doctor monitoring her says “She is stable and all vital signs are normal.” Well all except the “turning invisible and visible” thing, I’d say she’s pretty stable and normal too. It looks like her along with the rest of the survivors of the accident are now under government care now.
So now they’re a team of super heroes working for the government. Wait, wait…SLOW DOWN you’re saying! What happened inbetween the disaster and them working for the government as super powered mutants? Well nothing really. As if by some awkward jump cut; we’re automatically taken to the Pentagon where they show footage of The Thing beating up terrorists along with The Human Torch and Invisible Girl. Yeah they figured this plodding movie was going nowhere; so time to make them ‘The Four’ cause they could tell at this point the audience was getting restless.
Too bad the movie makes their powers seem laughable. Mr. Fantastic’s for example seems to be easily the dumbest looking. Stretching his arms like Dhalsim to hit opponents in what has to be some of the worst CG to date. And then of course there’s what happened to his best friend Ben; who is understandable pissed at him for turning him into a “sexless rock monster.” (Seriously; he has a rock for a groin now.) While Richards tries to console him and say he’s still his best friend; Thing basically tells him “I’m tired of your bullshit.” (I said the same thing to this stupid movie too.) You know being in this movie as well as the previous Fantastic Four movies has to be an utter embarrassment for The Thing. At least ‘The Hulk’ salvaged himself. The Thing can’t help but be put in embarrassing situations; like this stupid Denny’s promo for a ‘Thing Burger.’ www.youtube.com/watch?v=65MibW… This burger and the movie go well together since neither is good for your well-being.
But the person who probably suffered the worst adaptation was none other than Doom himself. The metal of his suit “fused” to his body; and when they salvage him from the planet and bring him back: he looks amazingly stupid!! To be fair; for one of the most powerful Marvel villains , Doom did look pretty ridiculous in his original outfit. (Don’t care what you call it; he’s still wearing a skirt.) But in this movie; he looks like a silver crash test dummy. So yes; they made him look equally if not more ridiculous.
So after Doom breaks free and kills many of the staff; Dr. Franklin intervenes and tries to prevent Doom from going “back to the planet that gave him his powers.” Hey Dr. Franklin! Why don’t you LET Doom go back!? It’s pretty obvious if you keep him here he’s just going to become a major problem on Earth; don’t talk him out of being contained on a very distant planet from ours. The f**k is wrong with you!? You already look like a black Walter White; quite making yourself look even dumber. Oh wait…Your stupidity has been rewarded when Victor zaps your ass and goes back into the teleporter.
Seriously; just leave this movie’s version of Doom alone! It’s clearly what he wants; he doesn’t even want to rule the Earth!! He basically hates Earth and would rather start a new world. So yeah…Doom’s actually not a real bad guy in this film. Another reason why this movie is so stupid!
Stupidity grows even more when Doom’s trip back to “Planet Zero” (That’s what they call it….) causes a black hole and sucks in the Fantastic Four. Hope you were following our heroes “heroic ventures” so far; cause this is pretty much the only real super hero battle we’re going to see in this dud. Yeah, you heard me right!! The Four try and stop him but to no avail. As you might expect; Doom is too powerful. But since the movie is almost over (thank God) somehow they’ll end up screwing him one way or another. Sure enough; Richards topples Doom in a laughably brief fight with ridiculous effects. So much for one of “Marvel’s Greatest Villains.” LAME!!!!
Well it’s the end of Doom, and the end of the movie as the heroes come back to Earth and are rewarded for their efforts and are now ‘The Fantastic Four!’ And that’s another ‘Fantastic Four’ movie that was an utter let-down! Bland characters, poor dialogue and line delivery and a wimpy pathetic version of Dr. Doom!
THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!
(Suddenly Chris Fuzz enters the room.)
Chris Fuzz: So the ‘Fantastic Four’ sucks huh?
Me: You bet! In fact the 2015 ‘Fantastic Four’ is probably THE worst super hero movie I ever saw!
Chris Fuzz: What about the 2005 Fantastic Four movie?
Me: No, 2015’s is Worse!
Chris Fuzz: Fantastic Four Meet the Silver Surfer?
Chris Fuzz: Roger Corman’s adaptation of ‘The Fantastic Four?’
Chris Fuzz: OK….then what about the original 1980’s Captain America?
Chris Fuzz: 1980’s Supergirl?
Chris Fuzz: Superman IV: The Quest for Peace?
Chris Fuzz: Superman Returns
Chris Fuzz: Man of Steel?
Me: Worse….And I actually like that one.
Chris Fuzz: The movie ‘Steel.’
Chris Fuzz: Green Lantern?
Chris Fuzz: Green Hornet?
Chris Fuzz: Catwoman?
Chris Fuzz: Daredevil?
Me: The series or the Ben Affleck movie?
Chris Fuzz: Affleck movie.
Chris Fuzz: Oh…What about Ghost Rider?
Chris Fuzz: Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance?
Chris Fuzz: Wolverine: Origins?
Chris Fuzz: X-Men 3?
Chris Fuzz: Iron Man 3?
Chris Fuzz: Spiderman 3?
Me: Oh get over the “Jazz club scene!”
Chris Fuzz: Jonah Hex?
Chris Fuzz: Elektra?
Chris Fuzz: Ang Lee’s ‘The Hulk?”
Chris Fuzz: Fine…then…what about…BATMAN & ROBIN!!?
Me: Wor…OK Batman and Robin was just as bad; but this Fantastic Four movie is still among THE WORST EVER!!
So if you excuse me; I need to wash my mouth out of this ‘August blockbuster’ with some Ultron.
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